Identity Crisis

bv


It was a beautiful Monday morning. She was still in bed not very thrilled about the prospect of waking up. Ryan had woken up, showered and changed into work clothes. She got out of bed walked up to him and hugged him.

She: Do you have to go to work today? Can't you take the day off ? Its such a lovely morning, don't you think ?
Ryan : I wish, honey....You know that I would if only I could....But I have a job to do and a few important meetings today.
She: And I don't....
Ryan: Don't, what?
She: Don't "Have a job".
Ryan: Well sweetie, I wouldn't have had one either if I had just delivered a beautiful baby 4 months ago.
She: So, now I am just a wife and a Mom?
Ryan: Isn't that enough, at least for the time being?
She: No. But listen, I don't want to keep you with this discussion. Its not like I just wanted to pick this up in an off-handed conversation. This concern has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now. I've been meaning to talk about it. But I guess now is not the time.
Ryan: No honey. If something's bothering you, lets get to the bottom of it. Everything else can wait. Tell me, whats wrong in being 'just a wife and a mom' - as you put it ?
She: I don't quite know. I always resented women that are just a piece of arm-candy. Like a trophy wife that the guy takes to parties, social gatherings etc. I'm not just Mrs. Ryan Miller and Angel's mom. Listen sweetheart, I'm proud to be both and that is essentially the most important part of me. But there is more to me than that.......I wanna make a difference to the world I live in. I have an Identity which I seem to have lost.
Ryan: You make a beautiful difference to this world just by being a part of it. But on a more practical note, you should channelize your energies into something you love doing. Why don't you start writing all over again?
She: Yeah right....The only topic that comes to my mind is Postpartum depression.
Ryan: See, humour...I told you, you are a natural. I'm sure you'll think up something. Besides writing is what you do best. You are gifted and you know it. People spend their entire life trying to figure out what their gift is and in your case it is just so apparent. You shouldn't give up on it. Haven't you heard 'If you don't use it, you lose it'.....So, please give it a serious thought, will you?
She: I will. And thanks. That was a morale` booster.
Ryan: Anytime, baby.

On that note, he kissed her goodbye. She sat back brooding on what makes up a person's identity? Is it his/her personality or the relationships he/she pursues? Is it his/her accomplishments ? Or is it the difference he/she makes in other people's lives?

Isn't that the answer we are all seeking? 'Who am I ? What is the purpose of my life?' Quaint yet true.....

Queen Of Hearts.....

vc


......That was the name Heather gave her during her college days. How that happened would make an interesting narration. Every other guy that came within a half-mile radius of her, fell for her. Almost every guy that she knew for a friend, at some point in time, was romantically inclined and intended to pursue a more substantial and meaningful relationship with her. There was zero motivation from her end and so she was unaware of their intentions up until they put it into words for her to respond. Heather would warn her ahead of time about every potential proposal coming her way and she would brush it off as Heather's vivid imagination.

Guys adored her and she often wondered why. She wasn't the stereotype girl-friend that they looked for. She wasn't conventionally beautiful though she was charming and carried herself with poise and grace. She wasn't the frivolous easy-going kinds. She was free-spirited and highly opinionated. She was intelligent and spoke her mind with no reservations. And more than anything, she projected an over-bearing and formidable image of herself, quite convinced that it would be sufficient to dissuade any prospective advances. Somehow nothing worked.

Some guy once left her a note that said, "Beauty, brains and character - a rare and irresistible combination. You fascinate me". Krish heard about it and from that day onwards he would tease her about the Hollywood classic 'There's something about Mary'. He strongly believed that it should be remade with her name in the title. She found that quite amusing. But that being said she also felt humbled by all the adulation. It motivated her to strive to be worthy of this kind of frenzy.

She once narrated this phase of her life to Charles and said, "I must be giving guys the wrong idea. Am sure its something I do".....To that, Charles smiled, paused and replied, "I don't think its what you do, its who you are and that is something you can't help".

A wise guy once said, 'You can't make someone love you but you can definitely make yourself lovable'. She was pretty sure she must have been sub-consciously working over-time on the latter part. She loved being at the receiving end of so much affection but just the same she worried if she ended up hurting people unintentionally. However, she soon realized that just like you can't make someone love you, you can't make someone not love you. It is beyond your purview. Therefore, she decided to take every moment in her stride going forward, so she could cherish them as fond memories in years to come............

Secure relationships

"No true love there can be without Its dread penalty--jealousy" -Lord Lytton


Her cell phone was ringing. She didn't remember where she'd left it. She quickly hunted for it and picked it up to find Charles' name on the caller id. 'Hi', he said in his familiar voice, 'Charles here'. Now there's a voice that needs no introduction, she thought. It had been a while that she had spoken at length with Charles. He was quite preoccupied and so was she.

They started speaking and as always it was like picking up from where they'd left off. After the initial customaries they slipped into more profound conversation. They broached their favourite topic of discussion - 'Relationships'. She was mentioning about the latest book she was reading and as always book reviews and film reviews lead them to interesting conversations.

Well, this time the topic was Insecurity in relationships. She believed that Jealousy and possessiveness in just the right amount was essential in every romantic relationship and Charles obviously disagreed. He emphasized that there was such a thing as 'Secure relationships' where you know, that no matter what your partner feels for others, how he/she reacts to others, at the end of the day what you two share is truly special and incomparable. And that belief makes the relationship a secure one. And even if you see green occasionally, you know how to manage it without making a great deal of it.

She didn't seem convinced. According to her, absence of the j-factor meant you didn't care enough or you took the relationship for granted. And more than anything lack of envy would make the relationship just so mundane and monotonous, don't you think ? "Where's the spice ?" she questioned. That part even Charles agreed with.

But does love entitle ownership ? Isn't it supposed to be 'If you love someone, set them free...If he/she comes back to you , they are yours"..blah blah blah....
What a complicated emotion, she mused. And as always their discussion was inconclusive providing scope for yet another round of discussion starting right where they left off.

A mid-summer nights dream....

She woke up from a beautiful dream. A dream that captured snapshots of her childhood and adolescence; of her fun-filled summer vacations in God's own country.

That's how the world referred to Kerala, her native land. The land of lush green paddy fields, massive palm groves, serene back waters, ancient temples and dynamic people. Her vivid memories of Kerala were to do with her annual summer vacation to visit her paternal grandparents in a small town located in the outskirts of Cochin or Kochi as its now called. The town nestled among endless rubber plantations and green hills. Her father's ancestral home was a typical traditional house with teak wood paneling and a tiled roof.

A beautiful summer morning with a hot cup of tea made with milk freshly extracted from the cow. The cow had a fancy name - 'Nandini'. The whole town would be submerged in the golden dawn with leaves soaked in dew and a haunting tune in the air that only she could hear. The house hustled with early morning activities. She would have her tea and head straight for a bath in the stream that flowed in the backyard of their home. Her cousins would join her. After playing mermaid in the water for a couple of hours, they would head back home for a delicious breakfast.

The afternoons on the other hand were lethargic and torpid. She would just lie looking out of the window besotted by the beauty and splendor of her surroundings or chatting away with her aunts and cousins. Evenings were usually busy with guests, relatives visiting them. They sometimes visited the temples nearby. She loved the tranquility and sense of complete surrender she witnessed in His divine presence. The antiquity and intricacy of the temples in Kerala contributed to this wonderful spiritual experience. She'd never felt such oneness before; it left her captive in the presence of some 'larger than life' force. The brightly lit 'kalvelakku' (stone lamps), the deepa sthambham (pillar of lamps), the kodimaram (flag post) etc were enthralling.

The twilight then gave way to a stunning full moon that bathed the whole town in its silver beam and made the night a seductive and enticing one. No wonder moon-lit nights were the inspiration for hundreds of romantic poems, she thought. After a sumptous dinner with family and some quality time with everyone, she slipped into bed for yet another dreamy, cozy night. A sense of peace and contentment prevailed in the land and amongst its people which was very contagious. She felt the very same emotions that night.

She said a prayer as always and closed her eyes, opening her heart to dreams galore..............