Free will

Thats one thing you can never have enough of. She imagined what it would be like if we said what we felt; if we did what we said; and lived life with no sense of cause or effect. She was thankful that most of the time she was given the space and liberty to be herself.

But who was she? Was she the dependable, amiable, organized, responsible, happy person that most people knew her to be? Or was there a side to her that no one had ever seen? A side she was hesitant to admit existed- The Dark side. She wondered if she would have been any different if she had no sense of where she came from, who she represented and who she was answerable to? No constraints, no expectations, no responsibility and no conscience. Would she have lived life recklessly and on the edge? Would she have tattooed her body, colored her hair, rode a motorbike, been on roller coasters, taken trips to faraway lands on a whim, drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and been in and out of love ? She found the thought equally amusing and appalling.

She had done crazy things in her life but nothing that had turned it over. And the thought made her sad. She was yet to come to terms with the fact that most people had an obnoxious side and hers was waiting to unfold. She believed that when the right time and opportunity presented itself, she would grab life by the collar, look it in the face and say "I'm in" !!

After all, if life hasn't taken your breath away, you haven't lived at all. She could hardly wait for her wild ride to begin !! She believed that everyone deserved that one moment of utter madness, that one secret desire, that one hysterical incident and that one insane affair with life. 

Grandma - Her ROCK !!

She was her 'Rock' - in every sense of that word. Whenever she sat down to retrospect life, she always found that the most meaningful influence on her life had been that of her Grandmother's; maybe even more than her Mom because her mom was a working woman (not as common in the 80's) and she grew up in the tender loving care of her Grandma. Back from school her Grandma would take care of her brother and herself till her mom got back from work. A few years later her Grandma moved in with them and soon became the most stable aspect of her life.

A strong-willed, dignified, energetic and pleasant woman. Someone that was a world apart from the stereotypes. Very progressive in thought, embracing change with open arms - she left her amazed every step of the way. Self-reliant was her middle name. For someone from the pre-independence era she was more liberal and progressive than most people that succeeded her. She often mentioned how she hated not having a career and making a living for herself and how important it was for a woman to be self-sufficient. To this day, she finds it appalling that someone from her background was capable of such an unconventional thought process.

Her Grandma would wake up early the morning she had an exam and wake her to a hot cup of tea. She did that every single time for 23 years. At 75, she found that discipline and commitment on her grandma's part enthralling. She often wished she had inherited half her enthusiasm for life. Her Grandma was loved by everyone - young and old alike. She had a great sense of humour that would keep people in splits. She made people happy wherever she went. She owed a great deal of her achievements and her outlook on life to her Grandma.

However, after her marriage once she moved to the US, her Grandma moved in with her Uncle for various reasons. Though she was happy there too, she knew her Grandma missed the familiar surroundings, her friends in the neighbourhood, the temples she visited, the grocery store she went to etc... Things that had been her grandma's world for years....But there wasn't a thing she could do to change that sitting afar. That made her part guilty and part sad.

She missed her Grandma in her weakest of moments just as much as she missed her in life's triumphs.She longed to see that reassuring smile and that 'Alls well with the world' look.  And she knew that these fading years were probably when her grandma needed her the most too. She was indebted to her in a way that was indescribable. And her only wish was to give her the joy of proximity and a sense of reassurance that she would be around and look out for her always......She was not sure how. She wished she could give back her Grandma a slice of what her grandma had given her over the last so many many years......

- Love you Ammumma......Always have, always will !! God bless you with a long, healthy and peaceful life.