Life has a funny way of showing you who's boss. You reach a certain point in life and you look back at the time that has passed and assess who you have become. As for me, I am far from being the person I imagined I would be.
When I was young, I had imagined that by the time I was 40, I would be a force to reckon with. I didn't know what my profession would be but I imagined I would be at its peak. I imagined I'd be a kick ass wife, a formidable mom and a social butterfly with a glamourous life. I had imagined that I would be successful and well off.
I am months away from being 40 and it dawns on me that I don’t have much to show for it. I have a profession but calling it super successful would be optimistic. I am an okay wife and an average mom. I have no semblance of a social life and I am financially comfortable. Funny how all the superlatives quickly turned into just positives.
I was misled by a handful of people who doted on me growing up, that I was special and that I was somehow destined for greatness. And God knows I strived for it. It wasn't for lack of trying. I soon realized that the Universe has a way of humbling you. Balancing ambition with reality and showing you that sometimes no matter how hard you try, how persistently you nail and claw your way thru life...it just isn't meant to be.
While no one has ever accused me of being someone that easily gives up, in fact quite the contrary...I do feel like I am on the verge of it. I have seen people much less deserving than I, people who have worked far less harder than I have, people who never went above and beyond for a moment in their life, walk away with everything- professionally and personally. I have come to realize that to expect life to be fair would be the biggest folly of all. And what you end up with has little to do with what you put into it.
In this mad race to be someone, get somewhere, I stopped being the one thing I was good at. A daughter. Now I am a 7pm phone call that checks on my parents from afar, gives them free advice and gets frustrated when they don't take it or follow thru. And the irony is they put up with it unflinchingly and with no disdain.
I wonder where it all went awry. I wonder what I could have done differently. Probably a zillion things, probably nothing. I now feel like I float thru life aimlessly, with no passion, with some regret, some disappointment and in the vague hope that the universe would somehow make it up to me. That one day, things would turn around and amends would be made. Because thru all this chaos and uncertainty if there is one thing I know, it is this....I deserve better !!
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