They say "Grief is the last act of love". While I've learnt that is true, the really hard way, I've also learnt that the strongest antidote for grief are the cherished memories of the person we loved and imbibing their life lessons into the way we live. So here's reflecting on some of the unique things that made my Ammumma one of the most inspiring people I knew.
I have always referred to her as a "bonafide rockstar" and that is the image I will carry all my life. It wasn't because she was flamboyant or attention seeking in fact quite the opposite. She had a quiet, steadfast way of living life on her own terms.
1. Ahead of her time: She was widowed at the young age of 52 and instead of wallowing or retreating into obscurity like most women her age, she decided to live her life independently and unapologetically. She traveled across Kerala spending time with relatives and friends and went on group tours across most of North India without knowing any languages other than Malayalam and English. She navigated life as it came and never complained. She played the hand she was dealt with gratitude, resilience and positivity. She made no excuses for her choices and didn't feel compelled to play the sad, forlorn widow though society would have loved for her to be just that. She was clear that she'd dispensed her duties as a wife and a mother and while she did more than her fair share as a grandmother it would not be at the cost of her freedom and happiness.
2. Generosity was her way of life: Every person that attended her funeral had one thing in common. While they all had a ton of great things to say about her, every single one of them had an anecdote about how she's fed them (her world famous dosa) or smuggled food for the driver/house help or donated her new clothes or made cakes and other desserts for them. And this was every generation - her generation, my mom's generation and my friends. Everyone had a memory of her generosity and kindness that was just innate to who she was. It wasn't for recognition, social validation or garnering a reputation. Because clearly she didn't care much for it. She did it out of the goodness of her heart and the benevolence of her spirit which is rare to find.
3. Independent before women's empowerment was woke: Ammumma practically raised me for the most part of my growing up years. We shared a bedroom, she was my alarm clock, my caregiver, my guide and mentor and so much more. Her thoughts and philosophies have inadvertently shaped who I am in more ways than one. She always said 1) Stand firm on your own two feet - never be financially dependent on anyone for your living 2) Make sure all the big life choices are your own - so no matter how they pan out you own the consequences and have no regrets. This was before feminism was considered woke. She always regretted not having graduated and held a job. So unlike typical grandparents who wanted to see their grand daughter just settled/happily married, her only desire was to see me have a good job and earning my own living. While my mom sometimes squirmed when I brought guy friends home, my grandma had no qualms. She fed them, joked with them and told me to explore the world before making lasting life choices so I have no regrets in the long run. She was COOL like that.
4. Sense of humor was her trademark: She had the ability to lighten up any situation and had the best comebacks of anyone I've ever known. She was witty and the best thing of all was that she could laugh at herself. She made fun of her own looks, her inability to learn Telugu and many other shortcomings without being self deprecating. She connected instantly with people of all ages because of her humor. It taught me early on that thinking on your feet is an incredible power. She had the most wholesome laugh and never once let any situation no matter how difficult get in the way of her ability to lighten up. I wish I learnt to cultivate that positivity and optimism.
5. Leaving behind a legacy of dignity: Most of all she embodied dignity. Her only aim in life was to never have to depend on anyone for anything or become a liability. She lived almost until her last day doing her own chores, taking care of herself and owning her space. Even in the rare times when she was unwell, I would call to check on her and her response always was "I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me." She lived her life with utmost dignity and passed away the same way. Her children, her grandchildren and everyone she came in contact with remember her for her strength, her deliberation and intentional way of life and the abundant love and kindness she graciously shared.
I will always remember her by the twinkle in her eye, her whole hearted laughter, the cold temperature of her hands against my hot blooded ones (that's what she called me) and her ever welcoming arms that were my safe haven. One of only 3 or 4 places where I've experienced unconditional, steadfast love. It is a loss that will never be made whole and grief is the price I pay for having known her and loved her with my whole heart ❤️
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