Waiting for the other shoe to drop

As another year comes to an end and I stand at the precipice of a new year’s dawn, I can’t help but wonder where my life is headed. I don’t mean that in the context of just 2022 or the year after that but just directionally and over the long term. There is a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that life is soon going to become a waiting game. As some of the more eventful years and milestones in life are behind me, I wonder what lurks around the corner?

One could argue that there are plenty of more milestones ahead of me like my daughter graduating or starting a career or falling in love or getting married and so on. And as excited as I am to be a part of her journey and witness her rise to glory, I would be doing just that….witnessing her story unfold. If I am being honest, I’m not worried that she would soon be independent navigating the world on her terms but that she would soon stop needing me. As progressive and independent as I am, I have spent the last several years making her my life’s purpose. Who am I without her ? I dread the day I would have to find that out.

I can’t go back to being the fun loving, gregarious, effervescent girl I used to be. I somehow lost sight of her in the journey to becoming a wife and a mom. I can’t go back to being just a doting, devoted and carefree daughter since I can’t expect to be taken care of.  I’m a grown woman with a husband and a child after all. I don’t know how to go back to being just a loving wife since I didn’t get to do that for very long. It soon got mixed up with being a responsible and caring mom and the two became inseparable and one may have cannibalized the other. Therefore the ever looming dilemma of that next phase of life feels like merely waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And while it may not all be as dark and dull as the picture I paint here, I am worried I won’t have the courage or the fight in me to follow my convictions and rediscover myself. I may have gotten tired of nailing and clawing my way through life. I may have let the light in me diminish and become but a quivering flame that is on the verge of being doused. While I am grateful for all the wonderful things in my life and count my blessings everyday, the uncertain future that looms large ahead of me is a daunting reality that I am not ready to confront….at least not yet ! So in the meantime, I plan to trust the wait, embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the beauty of becoming because “When nothing is certain, anything is possible”!

The X-Factor

Life is nothing but a journey from who we are, to who we are meant to be. What fuels this journey is a sense of purpose, ambition and a moral compass that blocks distractions from getting in the way.

To fully realize that you, as a unique soul were put on this earth for a reason only you can fulfill, is a daunting idea. So we wander through life from one goal to the next, from one material possession to the next, from one relationship to the next hoping that one or more of those things will fill the gaping void and emptiness that engulfs our being.

For the longest time, I measured my success by the world view and so I was continually chasing this illusion of who I was meant to be. Over the last few years, I have slowly but steadily come to the understanding that my purpose here is unique. No one else is me no matter how hard they try. No one can live out my legacy. No one else can uniquely add to the cosmos that which I bring to this world.

So what is that sets apart some people from others?  Why do some people walk into a room and own it? What makes some people seem like they are in charge of their destiny? You can chalk it down to intelligence, luck even talent perhaps. But no two people with similar assets often end up in the same place. We all have our unique journeys. But some people have an intangible quality that you can't quite put a finger on, that makes them different from everyone else. 

I've had the privilege of meeting a couple people in my life that have had that effect on me. Like I've said before, they are called "milestone people". There is life before them and after them. They came, altered the course of my life and left. They had strong intuitions and even stronger auras. When you are around them, they engulf the space around you and fill up your senses (in a good way). Some call it charisma, I call it the X-factor.

They have an incredible balance of quick wit, wisdom, a strong presence, sparkling charm, kind eyes and they are emotionally evolved. They usually are great huggers and have warm hands. They foster an indescribable attraction that dispels all rational explanation. And while all these traits may vary from time to time, the one undeniable quality that they have is the "effect" they have on people. 

The phrases "pulled the rug from under my feet", "in awe of" and "rocked my world" were all invented to describe this very feeling of being overcome and swept away by the X-factor.

I strongly believe that it is not one of those things you can learn or be taught. It can't be preached or practiced. It can't be acquired or borrowed. You are born with it ! You either have it or you don't.

If you recognize it in yourself or anyone around you, hold onto these people. They have a special purpose which is why they were put in your path. Embrace it ! 

Tea with Rumi

Life as we know it has changed dramatically in the last few weeks. We have been confined to the safe space of our homes and left wondering about the critical human paradox....life itself.

Me being an ambivert, I always imagined that I would tide over this crisis more seamlessly than some others. Simply because I love solitude and being left to my own devices. I don't crave or need human interaction on a daily basis. However, I have soon learnt that being alone by choice is very different from being lonely and confined.

I have craved for days of nothingness...the ability to just BE. Mastering "Dolce Far Niente" - the art of doing nothing. The leisure to think and wander into the depths of my mind, diving into imaginary pools of wisdom and creating ripples of ecstasy. It almost seems like poetic justice, that I finally get what I have always wanted.

It reminds me of Rumi's famous quote "What you seek is seeking you". I strongly believe that life presents itself in forms you have intrinsically wished for. The happenings in your life are a manifestation of your soul's most cherished desires or fears. The Universe DOES conspire.

Anyway, I now have a new date every weekend (not what you're thinking). A date with Rumi...my all time favorite Sufi poet and maestro. Nobody does LOVE like Rumi does. His poems transcend time, taste and generations. From Shelley to Keats from Paulo Coelho to Nicholas Sparks, while there have been romantics in every era, no one has unraveled love in a more simple, pure and soulful way than Rumi has. Rumi's poems are like a magic 8 ball, you can open a random page on any given day and there will be a quote in there that speaks directly to you.

It cleanses your soul, leaves you damp yet warm all at the same time. While the quarantine situation is less than ideal, I'm so glad to be in Rumi's esteemed company. Here are couple quotes, just for you:

"Out beyond the ideas of wrong and right, there is a field; I'll meet you there".

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it".

-So long my friends!

The transitional generation

My Dad often says "Never forget where you came from" because if you don't remember that, how do you figure out where you're going. Profound words of wisdom !

In moments of quiet reflection, I often retrace my steps back to the city of Hyderabad where I was born and raised and remind myself that I represent the hopes and dreams of an entire generation of middle class India. The transitional generation - the generation on whose shoulders we climbed to reach these glorious heights of progress, wealth and success.

A generation that belongs to our parents who invested their entire youth, resources and energy in educating and empowering us so we could ascend a world that was beyond their reach. While their world was confined to the cities or the states they inhabited, they always knew there was a big, bright world out there, waiting with open arms for their smart, savvy and spirited kids. 

So they spent a lifetime getting us ready and fueling our journeys.  Whether it was waking us up early and making us tea (or) taking us to coaching classes in their two wheelers on cold winter mornings (or) having us study into the wee hours of the night (or) encouraging us to pursue either Engineering or Medicine, they pushed us to get out of our comfort zone every day.

Today, the brilliance we see from Indians across the globe from Sundar Pichai to Satya Nadella and from Priyanka Chopra to P V Sindhu, is a result of the blood, sweat and tears of this transitional generation.

And while one could argue that this is true for every generation of parents, what is truly unique about this generation is that their children actually went on to disrupt the world, widen their horizons and shatter every notion of "how it has always been done". It wasn't a step change or gradual progress like the previous generations or candidly even the next generation after ours, it was truly writing a new chapter, turning a new leaf and breaking every perceivable boundary to achieve what was never done before.

So no matter who we become or what we accomplish as a generation, we will be forever indebted to this transitional generation. Every story that will ever be written about India's "coming of age", will be deeply intertwined with the story of this transitional generation. 

Therefore to my parents and to every parent that belongs to this generation, I only have one thing to say:

"Did you ever know that you're my HERO?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could soar higher than an eagle,

Only 'coz you're the wind beneath my wings !!"

-So long!

A Date With Destiny

A teenage girl, slender with black wavy hair, a floral skirt, a peasant blouse standing with her back to me in front of an ornate medieval water fountain and gazing into nothingness was the visual in my dreams for many many years growing up. This water fountain was intricate standing tall in the middle of a garden which was lined with olive trees and lavender bushes. The landscape always reminded me of Tuscany. Tuscany as I had seen in pictures, watched in documentaries and marveled at in the movies. 

And because I saw this exact dream multiple times growing up, my naive heart ran wild with imagination. I imagined that girl was me in  another birth, another lifetime...born and raised in Tuscany amidst rolling hills covered with vineyards and cypress trees. It was like Italy was calling out to me "Come home, you belong here". I could hear it in my heart with no rational explanation or connection to substantiate this very outlandish idea.

But to this day, I feel a strong inexplicable connection to Tuscany. So in a moment of vulnerability, I mentioned this dream and the desire to visit Tuscany to my husband and we talked about the bizarreness of the dream. Then many years passed by and the Italy trip got added to my bucket list along with many others.

Recently when I turned 40, my husband suggested we celebrate the milestone birthday by traveling to Italy and visiting Tuscany since its a dream I've cherished for so long. I was beyond thrilled and we planned the trip in a frenzy. The days to come were a blur as I could not contain my excitement and the anticipation of doing something I have waited to for such a long time. We left Dallas and flew straight to Rome for 4 days. We stayed at a B&B right near the main train terminal of Rome. Everything was accessible by the metro and there was so much to see !

Everything about Rome was “enchanting”. A city that held many untold stories in its fold. An ode to the golden era of civilization. Art and architecture, grandeur beyond imagination and a sense of eternity captured in a time capsule. Rome stood tall, unapologetic and proud - Much like her people! One couldn't help but be in awe of her splendor. Rome truly is, as they say, a city of echoes, a city of illusions and a city of yearning.

Everywhere we looked there was history, beauty and splendor.  We visited the Il Vittoriano monument, the Spanish steps, the Pantheon, the Trevi fountain, Vatican city, St.Perter's Basilica, the Sistine chapel, the Colosseum and the Roman forum. I felt little, almost non-existent in a world that was grand, larger than life and enigmatic to this day. I had barely gotten over the rush of Rome before it was time to take the train to Tuscany. I waited with bated breath for the train to arrive. The ride to Tuscany was surreal. It was just like I had imagined. Virgin green pastures, cattle flocking the farmlands, vineyards for as far as the eye could see and ethereal beauty everywhere.

We went straight to the historic town of Florence and stayed there for the next 3 days. Florence in Tuscany is a clandestine love affair. Rolling hills covered with vineyards and cypress trees, cobbled streets lined with tiny cafes, 5 villages suspended between land and the sea, the rustic charm of the medieval era; true to its name, Florence was a city in full bloom (like flowers). The street music, the cappuccino, the exotic wines, the mouth watering wood fired pizzas... it was a culinary paradise in addition to being a Mecca for the romantics.

We visited the Duomo, the Cinque Terre (villages by the sea) and Chianti wine country. It was in Chianti that I looked for the garden and the fountain in my dreams. Needless to say, I never did find it but this I can tell....walking down the small quaint villages in Chianti and the smell of olive trees, the truffle oil and the barrels of wine, I felt right at HOME. Like I had been there before or at least like I would fit right in. If only I had the millions of $$ it takes to own a small winery and a Tuscan villa in Chianti, I would never have come back. 

I left Florence weak kneed and starry eyed like a teenage girl struck by love at first sight❤️😍A tiny part of my heart got left behind on a hill in Tuscany 💕 like they say in Italian “Mi Amore Tuscany”.


The trip to Italy was everything it promised to be...a sublime date with Destiny !!

Utah - Where time stands still...

Salt lake city thru my lens

I haven't done a travelogue ever but the beauty, tranquility and breathtaking serenity of Utah has me compelled to write. I arrived here in Salt lake city yesterday for a conference and have been smitten ever since I stepped out of the airport and into my Uber.

Anyone that knows me, knows that my wanderlust is insatiable. I love travel, period. I love traveling with my family and God has been kind in finding me a partner who loves to travel as much as I do. We do some great family vacations and it was the only way I knew how to have a good time traveling...that is, until recently.

I have now been traveling for work, business trips about 2-3 times a year for the last few years and have learnt to enjoy the solitude, the freedom and the quiet reflection that flying solo provides. There is something to be said about being all on your own in a place where nobody knows you or even cares that you exist. It's daunting, yet liberating. I can be whoever I want to be... sometimes I can decide to be or not to be.

Anyways, long story short, ...I think I am falling in love with this place. Salt lake city is nestled in the foothills of the Rockies and is a valley filled with flowers and sprawling landscapes. Shortly after I arrived, I checked into my hotel room on the 8th floor, changed into my robe and opened the drapes of my window. The view was stunning with sky scrapers, museums and restaurants below me but behind them all stood the magnificent snow capped mountains. Tall and unyielding. The city was merely a shadow and yet it let the city thrive in its benevolence. It's like time had come to a stand still. Beauty as far as the eye could see.

Unwilling to stay confined to the hotel room, I decided to venture out and stroll around downtown and hopefully get a closer look at the mountains and the quaint little homes lining the valley. I walked for about 3-5 miles and passed many elegant churches, whimsical houses built with stellar imagination, flower lined sidewalks, tree filled pathways and open green lands. The best part ? the people. No one was in a hurry to be anywhere. Every one took their time to cross the road, wait for the traffic light, pick up someone else's trash, give directions to folks like me who needed it...just nice, kind people. Dallas cannot boast of being fast paced compared to New York or Chicago or even Boston but Dallas still is in a rush. Its booming, its growing and it has a long way to go...Compared to that, Salt lake city seemed to have blossomed, settled and found its peace.

I am yet to take a drive to the "Great Salt lake" and dip my toe in the remnants of the great ice age. But I am already blown away by the quiet stillness that surrounds me. Even with what little I've seen, I know I will take a piece of Utah with me wherever I go.

P.S: Candidly, the pic collage on this post that my cell phone camera captured is a futile attempt...it doesn't do any justice to the charm of this city.

Life is soup and I'm a damn fork

Life has a funny way of showing you who's boss. You reach a certain point in life and you look back at the time that has passed and assess who you have become. As for me, I am far from being the person I imagined I would be.

When I was young, I had imagined that by the time I was 40, I would be a force to reckon with. I didn't know what my profession would be but I imagined I would be at its peak. I imagined I'd be a kick ass wife, a formidable mom and a social butterfly with a glamourous life. I had imagined that I would be successful and well off.

I am months away from being 40 and it dawns on me that I don’t have much to show for it. I have a profession but calling it super successful would be optimistic. I am an okay wife and an average mom. I have no semblance of a social life and I am financially comfortable. Funny how all the superlatives quickly turned into just positives.

I was misled by a handful of people who doted on me growing up, that I was special and that I was somehow destined for greatness. And God knows I strived for it. It wasn't for lack of trying. I soon realized that the Universe has a way of humbling you. Balancing ambition with reality and showing you that sometimes no matter how hard you try, how persistently you nail and claw your way thru life...it just isn't meant to be.

While no one has ever accused me of being someone that easily gives up, in fact quite the contrary...I do feel like I am on the verge of it. I have seen people much less deserving than I, people who have worked far less harder than I have, people who never went above and beyond for a moment in their life, walk away with everything-  professionally and personally. I have come to realize that to expect life to be fair would be the biggest folly of all.  And what you end up with has little to do with what you put into it.

In this mad race to be someone, get somewhere, I stopped being the one thing I was good at. A daughter. Now I am a 7pm phone call that checks on my parents from afar, gives them free advice and gets frustrated when they don't take it or follow thru. And the irony is they put up with it unflinchingly and with no disdain.

I wonder where it all went awry. I wonder what I could have done differently. Probably a zillion things, probably nothing. I now feel like I float thru life aimlessly, with no passion, with some regret, some disappointment and in the vague hope that the universe would somehow make it up to me. That one day, things would turn around and amends would be made. Because thru all this chaos and uncertainty if there is one thing I know, it is this....I deserve better !!