My bona fide rockstar !

                             

They say "Grief is the last act of love". While I've learnt that is true, the really hard way, I've also learnt that the strongest antidote for grief are the cherished memories of the person we loved and imbibing their life lessons into the way we live. So here's reflecting on some of the unique things that made my Ammumma one of the most inspiring people I knew.

I have always referred to her as a "bonafide rockstar" and that is the image I will carry all my life. It wasn't because she was flamboyant or attention seeking in fact quite the opposite. She had a quiet, steadfast way of living life on her own terms. 

1. Ahead of her time: She was widowed at the young age of 52 and instead of wallowing or retreating into obscurity like most women her age, she decided to live her life independently and unapologetically. She traveled across Kerala spending time with relatives and friends and went on group tours across most of North India without knowing any languages other than Malayalam and English. She navigated life as it came and never complained. She played the hand she was dealt with gratitude, resilience and positivity. She made no excuses for her choices and didn't feel compelled to play the sad, forlorn widow though society would have loved for her to be just that. She was clear that she'd dispensed her duties as a wife and a mother and while she did more than her fair share as a grandmother it would not be at the cost of her freedom and happiness.

2. Generosity was her way of life: Every person that attended her funeral had one thing in common. While they all had a ton of great things to say about her, every single one of them had an anecdote about how she's fed them (her world famous dosa) or smuggled food for the driver/house help or donated her new clothes or made cakes and other desserts for them. And this was every generation - her generation, my mom's generation and my friends. Everyone had a memory of her generosity and kindness that was just innate to who she was. It wasn't for recognition, social validation or garnering a reputation. Because clearly she didn't care much for it. She did it out of the goodness of her heart and the benevolence of her spirit which is rare to find.

3. Independent before women's empowerment was woke: Ammumma practically raised me for the most part of my growing up years. We shared a bedroom, she was my alarm clock, my caregiver,  my guide and mentor and so much more. Her thoughts and philosophies have inadvertently shaped who I am in more ways than one. She always said 1) Stand firm on your own two feet - never be financially dependent on anyone for your living 2) Make sure all the big life choices are your own - so no matter how they pan out you own the consequences and have no regrets. This was before feminism was considered woke. She always regretted not having graduated and held a job. So unlike typical grandparents who wanted to see their grand daughter just settled/happily married, her only desire was to see me have a good job and earning my own living. While my mom sometimes squirmed when I brought guy friends home, my grandma had no qualms. She fed them, joked with them and told me to explore the world before making lasting life choices so I have no regrets in the long run. She was COOL like that.

4. Sense of humor was her trademark: She had the ability to lighten up any situation and had the best comebacks of anyone I've ever known. She was witty and the best thing of all was that she could laugh at herself. She made fun of her own looks, her inability to learn Telugu and many other shortcomings without being self deprecating. She connected instantly with people of all ages because of her humor. It taught me early on that thinking on your feet is an incredible power. She had the most wholesome laugh and never once let any situation no matter how difficult get in the way of her ability to lighten up. I wish I learnt to cultivate that positivity and optimism.

5. Leaving behind a legacy of dignity: Most of all she embodied dignity. Her only aim in life was to never have to depend on anyone for anything or become a liability. She lived almost until her last day doing her own chores, taking care of herself and owning her space. Even in the rare times when she was unwell, I would call to check on her and her response always was "I'm fine. Nothing is wrong with me." She lived her life with utmost dignity and passed away the same way. Her children, her grandchildren and everyone she came in contact with remember her for her strength, her deliberation and intentional way of life and the abundant love and kindness she graciously shared.

I will always remember her by the twinkle in her eye, her whole hearted laughter, the cold temperature of her hands against my hot blooded ones (that's what she called me) and her ever welcoming arms that were my safe haven. One of only 3 or 4 places where I've experienced unconditional, steadfast love. It is a loss that will never be made whole and grief is the price I pay for having known her and loved her with my whole heart ❤️ 

Room with a view

 

No, I am not referring to E M Foster's famous novel but to the inconsequential 3rd guest bedroom in our new house. Its a large bedroom with a king bed, a dresser and a nightstand. It is usually well kept, ready for the occasional family or friends that decide to visit or stay over.

Seldom used, always there. Why the sudden interest, you ask. I'm getting there. Its been almost 15 months since we moved into our new home. It has been a tumultuous 15 months with some really great things  and some not so great things happening in equal proportion. The journey has been a series of ups and downs with no breathing room in between.

All that to say, we've been crazy busy. The house is situated in a neighborhood adjacent to the PGA golf course (that is being built) and this inconsequential bedroom sits on south east corner of the house. The room is on the second floor with a window that overlooks the golf course and has the best views of any room in the house.

Anyway, none of this registered or mattered in the 15 months we have been living in the house but recently I was sick and realized this is the only bedroom that is reclusive and not in the way of anyone or anything if I wanted to stay in isolation. So I moved in as a guest with room service and all the perks that come with it. And for the first time I looked out that window. I will lay looking out that window for many days to come. But lets hold that thought. Anyway, I looked out the window that morning for the fist time pulling up the combi blinds and the light streamed in. The golf course spread out endlessly under a think blanket of fog with the sunlight playing hide and seek. It gave me a sense of peace, quiet, serenity and beauty all wrapped up in a single moment.

It was as if I was admiring my surroundings for the very first time. Wonder what else I've missed out. For the next 5-7 days that I called the room my home, I often lay on the pillow looking at the greens, reminiscing the past. Moments that meant something, moments that slipped without delivering the promise it held and moments that just passed me by. I also thought about the people in my life and what time and distance may have stolen from me over the 18 years I've spent living in the US.

The deafening silence reminded me that like everyone else I am on my own. The sad truth is we come alone, we go alone and the relationships we have in the interim are all transient. So its better to live a life of "oh wells" than "what ifs" like a wise someone said. And in the end you can’t outrun everyone else but you can only outdo yourself. 

How did I get all that from observing the golf course? These are lessons that golf teach you as well :

• Golf is a lonely sport; you are always on your own 

• You have to play where the ball lies (its the hand you get dealt) 

• The only shot that matters in golf is the next one

• In golf and life, its the follow through that makes the difference 

• You can only outdo yourself

• As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses for you only get to play one round

So keep "putt"ing yourself first and take a moment to smell the roses or the grass whatever is closest to you :)

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

As another year comes to an end and I stand at the precipice of a new year’s dawn, I can’t help but wonder where my life is headed. I don’t mean that in the context of just 2022 or the year after that but just directionally and over the long term. There is a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that life is soon going to become a waiting game. As some of the more eventful years and milestones in life are behind me, I wonder what lurks around the corner?

One could argue that there are plenty of more milestones ahead of me like my daughter graduating or starting a career or falling in love or getting married and so on. And as excited as I am to be a part of her journey and witness her rise to glory, I would be doing just that….witnessing her story unfold. If I am being honest, I’m not worried that she would soon be independent navigating the world on her terms but that she would soon stop needing me. As progressive and independent as I am, I have spent the last several years making her my life’s purpose. Who am I without her ? I dread the day I would have to find that out.

I can’t go back to being the fun loving, gregarious, effervescent girl I used to be. I somehow lost sight of her in the journey to becoming a wife and a mom. I can’t go back to being just a doting, devoted and carefree daughter since I can’t expect to be taken care of.  I’m a grown woman with a husband and a child after all. I don’t know how to go back to being just a loving wife since I didn’t get to do that for very long. It soon got mixed up with being a responsible and caring mom and the two became inseparable and one may have cannibalized the other. Therefore the ever looming dilemma of that next phase of life feels like merely waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And while it may not all be as dark and dull as the picture I paint here, I am worried I won’t have the courage or the fight in me to follow my convictions and rediscover myself. I may have gotten tired of nailing and clawing my way through life. I may have let the light in me diminish and become but a quivering flame that is on the verge of being doused. While I am grateful for all the wonderful things in my life and count my blessings everyday, the uncertain future that looms large ahead of me is a daunting reality that I am not ready to confront….at least not yet ! So in the meantime, I plan to trust the wait, embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the beauty of becoming because “When nothing is certain, anything is possible”!

The X-Factor

Life is nothing but a journey from who we are, to who we are meant to be. What fuels this journey is a sense of purpose, ambition and a moral compass that blocks distractions from getting in the way.

To fully realize that you, as a unique soul were put on this earth for a reason only you can fulfill, is a daunting idea. So we wander through life from one goal to the next, from one material possession to the next, from one relationship to the next hoping that one or more of those things will fill the gaping void and emptiness that engulfs our being.

For the longest time, I measured my success by the world view and so I was continually chasing this illusion of who I was meant to be. Over the last few years, I have slowly but steadily come to the understanding that my purpose here is unique. No one else is me no matter how hard they try. No one can live out my legacy. No one else can uniquely add to the cosmos that which I bring to this world.

So what is that sets apart some people from others?  Why do some people walk into a room and own it? What makes some people seem like they are in charge of their destiny? You can chalk it down to intelligence, luck even talent perhaps. But no two people with similar assets often end up in the same place. We all have our unique journeys. But some people have an intangible quality that you can't quite put a finger on, that makes them different from everyone else. 

I've had the privilege of meeting a couple people in my life that have had that effect on me. Like I've said before, they are called "milestone people". There is life before them and after them. They came, altered the course of my life and left. They had strong intuitions and even stronger auras. When you are around them, they engulf the space around you and fill up your senses (in a good way). Some call it charisma, I call it the X-factor.

They have an incredible balance of quick wit, wisdom, a strong presence, sparkling charm, kind eyes and they are emotionally evolved. They usually are great huggers and have warm hands. They foster an indescribable attraction that dispels all rational explanation. And while all these traits may vary from time to time, the one undeniable quality that they have is the "effect" they have on people. 

The phrases "pulled the rug from under my feet", "in awe of" and "rocked my world" were all invented to describe this very feeling of being overcome and swept away by the X-factor.

I strongly believe that it is not one of those things you can learn or be taught. It can't be preached or practiced. It can't be acquired or borrowed. You are born with it ! You either have it or you don't.

If you recognize it in yourself or anyone around you, hold onto these people. They have a special purpose which is why they were put in your path. Embrace it ! 

Tea with Rumi

Life as we know it has changed dramatically in the last few weeks. We have been confined to the safe space of our homes and left wondering about the critical human paradox....life itself.

Me being an ambivert, I always imagined that I would tide over this crisis more seamlessly than some others. Simply because I love solitude and being left to my own devices. I don't crave or need human interaction on a daily basis. However, I have soon learnt that being alone by choice is very different from being lonely and confined.

I have craved for days of nothingness...the ability to just BE. Mastering "Dolce Far Niente" - the art of doing nothing. The leisure to think and wander into the depths of my mind, diving into imaginary pools of wisdom and creating ripples of ecstasy. It almost seems like poetic justice, that I finally get what I have always wanted.

It reminds me of Rumi's famous quote "What you seek is seeking you". I strongly believe that life presents itself in forms you have intrinsically wished for. The happenings in your life are a manifestation of your soul's most cherished desires or fears. The Universe DOES conspire.

Anyway, I now have a new date every weekend (not what you're thinking). A date with Rumi...my all time favorite Sufi poet and maestro. Nobody does LOVE like Rumi does. His poems transcend time, taste and generations. From Shelley to Keats from Paulo Coelho to Nicholas Sparks, while there have been romantics in every era, no one has unraveled love in a more simple, pure and soulful way than Rumi has. Rumi's poems are like a magic 8 ball, you can open a random page on any given day and there will be a quote in there that speaks directly to you.

It cleanses your soul, leaves you damp yet warm all at the same time. While the quarantine situation is less than ideal, I'm so glad to be in Rumi's esteemed company. Here are couple quotes, just for you:

"Out beyond the ideas of wrong and right, there is a field; I'll meet you there".

"Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it".

-So long my friends!

The transitional generation

My Dad often says "Never forget where you came from" because if you don't remember that, how do you figure out where you're going. Profound words of wisdom !

In moments of quiet reflection, I often retrace my steps back to the city of Hyderabad where I was born and raised and remind myself that I represent the hopes and dreams of an entire generation of middle class India. The transitional generation - the generation on whose shoulders we climbed to reach these glorious heights of progress, wealth and success.

A generation that belongs to our parents who invested their entire youth, resources and energy in educating and empowering us so we could ascend a world that was beyond their reach. While their world was confined to the cities or the states they inhabited, they always knew there was a big, bright world out there, waiting with open arms for their smart, savvy and spirited kids. 

So they spent a lifetime getting us ready and fueling our journeys.  Whether it was waking us up early and making us tea (or) taking us to coaching classes in their two wheelers on cold winter mornings (or) having us study into the wee hours of the night (or) encouraging us to pursue either Engineering or Medicine, they pushed us to get out of our comfort zone every day.

Today, the brilliance we see from Indians across the globe from Sundar Pichai to Satya Nadella and from Priyanka Chopra to P V Sindhu, is a result of the blood, sweat and tears of this transitional generation.

And while one could argue that this is true for every generation of parents, what is truly unique about this generation is that their children actually went on to disrupt the world, widen their horizons and shatter every notion of "how it has always been done". It wasn't a step change or gradual progress like the previous generations or candidly even the next generation after ours, it was truly writing a new chapter, turning a new leaf and breaking every perceivable boundary to achieve what was never done before.

So no matter who we become or what we accomplish as a generation, we will be forever indebted to this transitional generation. Every story that will ever be written about India's "coming of age", will be deeply intertwined with the story of this transitional generation. 

Therefore to my parents and to every parent that belongs to this generation, I only have one thing to say:

"Did you ever know that you're my HERO?

You're everything I wish I could be.

I could soar higher than an eagle,

Only 'coz you're the wind beneath my wings !!"

-So long!

A Date With Destiny

A teenage girl, slender with black wavy hair, a floral skirt, a peasant blouse standing with her back to me in front of an ornate medieval water fountain and gazing into nothingness was the visual in my dreams for many many years growing up. This water fountain was intricate standing tall in the middle of a garden which was lined with olive trees and lavender bushes. The landscape always reminded me of Tuscany. Tuscany as I had seen in pictures, watched in documentaries and marveled at in the movies. 

And because I saw this exact dream multiple times growing up, my naive heart ran wild with imagination. I imagined that girl was me in  another birth, another lifetime...born and raised in Tuscany amidst rolling hills covered with vineyards and cypress trees. It was like Italy was calling out to me "Come home, you belong here". I could hear it in my heart with no rational explanation or connection to substantiate this very outlandish idea.

But to this day, I feel a strong inexplicable connection to Tuscany. So in a moment of vulnerability, I mentioned this dream and the desire to visit Tuscany to my husband and we talked about the bizarreness of the dream. Then many years passed by and the Italy trip got added to my bucket list along with many others.

Recently when I turned 40, my husband suggested we celebrate the milestone birthday by traveling to Italy and visiting Tuscany since its a dream I've cherished for so long. I was beyond thrilled and we planned the trip in a frenzy. The days to come were a blur as I could not contain my excitement and the anticipation of doing something I have waited to for such a long time. We left Dallas and flew straight to Rome for 4 days. We stayed at a B&B right near the main train terminal of Rome. Everything was accessible by the metro and there was so much to see !

Everything about Rome was “enchanting”. A city that held many untold stories in its fold. An ode to the golden era of civilization. Art and architecture, grandeur beyond imagination and a sense of eternity captured in a time capsule. Rome stood tall, unapologetic and proud - Much like her people! One couldn't help but be in awe of her splendor. Rome truly is, as they say, a city of echoes, a city of illusions and a city of yearning.

Everywhere we looked there was history, beauty and splendor.  We visited the Il Vittoriano monument, the Spanish steps, the Pantheon, the Trevi fountain, Vatican city, St.Perter's Basilica, the Sistine chapel, the Colosseum and the Roman forum. I felt little, almost non-existent in a world that was grand, larger than life and enigmatic to this day. I had barely gotten over the rush of Rome before it was time to take the train to Tuscany. I waited with bated breath for the train to arrive. The ride to Tuscany was surreal. It was just like I had imagined. Virgin green pastures, cattle flocking the farmlands, vineyards for as far as the eye could see and ethereal beauty everywhere.

We went straight to the historic town of Florence and stayed there for the next 3 days. Florence in Tuscany is a clandestine love affair. Rolling hills covered with vineyards and cypress trees, cobbled streets lined with tiny cafes, 5 villages suspended between land and the sea, the rustic charm of the medieval era; true to its name, Florence was a city in full bloom (like flowers). The street music, the cappuccino, the exotic wines, the mouth watering wood fired pizzas... it was a culinary paradise in addition to being a Mecca for the romantics.

We visited the Duomo, the Cinque Terre (villages by the sea) and Chianti wine country. It was in Chianti that I looked for the garden and the fountain in my dreams. Needless to say, I never did find it but this I can tell....walking down the small quaint villages in Chianti and the smell of olive trees, the truffle oil and the barrels of wine, I felt right at HOME. Like I had been there before or at least like I would fit right in. If only I had the millions of $$ it takes to own a small winery and a Tuscan villa in Chianti, I would never have come back. 

I left Florence weak kneed and starry eyed like a teenage girl struck by love at first sight❤️😍A tiny part of my heart got left behind on a hill in Tuscany 💕 like they say in Italian “Mi Amore Tuscany”.


The trip to Italy was everything it promised to be...a sublime date with Destiny !!