A Date With Destiny

A teenage girl, slender with black wavy hair, a floral skirt, a peasant blouse standing with her back to me in front of an ornate medieval water fountain and gazing into nothingness was the visual in my dreams for many many years growing up. This water fountain was intricate standing tall in the middle of a garden which was lined with olive trees and lavender bushes. The landscape always reminded me of Tuscany. Tuscany as I had seen in pictures, watched in documentaries and marveled at in the movies. 

And because I saw this exact dream multiple times growing up, my naive heart ran wild with imagination. I imagined that girl was me in  another birth, another lifetime...born and raised in Tuscany amidst rolling hills covered with vineyards and cypress trees. It was like Italy was calling out to me "Come home, you belong here". I could hear it in my heart with no rational explanation or connection to substantiate this very outlandish idea.

But to this day, I feel a strong inexplicable connection to Tuscany. So in a moment of vulnerability, I mentioned this dream and the desire to visit Tuscany to my husband and we talked about the bizarreness of the dream. Then many years passed by and the Italy trip got added to my bucket list along with many others.

Recently when I turned 40, my husband suggested we celebrate the milestone birthday by traveling to Italy and visiting Tuscany since its a dream I've cherished for so long. I was beyond thrilled and we planned the trip in a frenzy. The days to come were a blur as I could not contain my excitement and the anticipation of doing something I have waited to for such a long time. We left Dallas and flew straight to Rome for 4 days. We stayed at a B&B right near the main train terminal of Rome. Everything was accessible by the metro and there was so much to see !

Everything about Rome was “enchanting”. A city that held many untold stories in its fold. An ode to the golden era of civilization. Art and architecture, grandeur beyond imagination and a sense of eternity captured in a time capsule. Rome stood tall, unapologetic and proud - Much like her people! One couldn't help but be in awe of her splendor. Rome truly is, as they say, a city of echoes, a city of illusions and a city of yearning.

Everywhere we looked there was history, beauty and splendor.  We visited the Il Vittoriano monument, the Spanish steps, the Pantheon, the Trevi fountain, Vatican city, St.Perter's Basilica, the Sistine chapel, the Colosseum and the Roman forum. I felt little, almost non-existent in a world that was grand, larger than life and enigmatic to this day. I had barely gotten over the rush of Rome before it was time to take the train to Tuscany. I waited with bated breath for the train to arrive. The ride to Tuscany was surreal. It was just like I had imagined. Virgin green pastures, cattle flocking the farmlands, vineyards for as far as the eye could see and ethereal beauty everywhere.

We went straight to the historic town of Florence and stayed there for the next 3 days. Florence in Tuscany is a clandestine love affair. Rolling hills covered with vineyards and cypress trees, cobbled streets lined with tiny cafes, 5 villages suspended between land and the sea, the rustic charm of the medieval era; true to its name, Florence was a city in full bloom (like flowers). The street music, the cappuccino, the exotic wines, the mouth watering wood fired pizzas... it was a culinary paradise in addition to being a Mecca for the romantics.

We visited the Duomo, the Cinque Terre (villages by the sea) and Chianti wine country. It was in Chianti that I looked for the garden and the fountain in my dreams. Needless to say, I never did find it but this I can tell....walking down the small quaint villages in Chianti and the smell of olive trees, the truffle oil and the barrels of wine, I felt right at HOME. Like I had been there before or at least like I would fit right in. If only I had the millions of $$ it takes to own a small winery and a Tuscan villa in Chianti, I would never have come back. 

I left Florence weak kneed and starry eyed like a teenage girl struck by love at first sight❤️😍A tiny part of my heart got left behind on a hill in Tuscany 💕 like they say in Italian “Mi Amore Tuscany”.


The trip to Italy was everything it promised to be...a sublime date with Destiny !!

Utah - Where time stands still...

Salt lake city thru my lens

I haven't done a travelogue ever but the beauty, tranquility and breathtaking serenity of Utah has me compelled to write. I arrived here in Salt lake city yesterday for a conference and have been smitten ever since I stepped out of the airport and into my Uber.

Anyone that knows me, knows that my wanderlust is insatiable. I love travel, period. I love traveling with my family and God has been kind in finding me a partner who loves to travel as much as I do. We do some great family vacations and it was the only way I knew how to have a good time traveling...that is, until recently.

I have now been traveling for work, business trips about 2-3 times a year for the last few years and have learnt to enjoy the solitude, the freedom and the quiet reflection that flying solo provides. There is something to be said about being all on your own in a place where nobody knows you or even cares that you exist. It's daunting, yet liberating. I can be whoever I want to be... sometimes I can decide to be or not to be.

Anyways, long story short, ...I think I am falling in love with this place. Salt lake city is nestled in the foothills of the Rockies and is a valley filled with flowers and sprawling landscapes. Shortly after I arrived, I checked into my hotel room on the 8th floor, changed into my robe and opened the drapes of my window. The view was stunning with sky scrapers, museums and restaurants below me but behind them all stood the magnificent snow capped mountains. Tall and unyielding. The city was merely a shadow and yet it let the city thrive in its benevolence. It's like time had come to a stand still. Beauty as far as the eye could see.

Unwilling to stay confined to the hotel room, I decided to venture out and stroll around downtown and hopefully get a closer look at the mountains and the quaint little homes lining the valley. I walked for about 3-5 miles and passed many elegant churches, whimsical houses built with stellar imagination, flower lined sidewalks, tree filled pathways and open green lands. The best part ? the people. No one was in a hurry to be anywhere. Every one took their time to cross the road, wait for the traffic light, pick up someone else's trash, give directions to folks like me who needed it...just nice, kind people. Dallas cannot boast of being fast paced compared to New York or Chicago or even Boston but Dallas still is in a rush. Its booming, its growing and it has a long way to go...Compared to that, Salt lake city seemed to have blossomed, settled and found its peace.

I am yet to take a drive to the "Great Salt lake" and dip my toe in the remnants of the great ice age. But I am already blown away by the quiet stillness that surrounds me. Even with what little I've seen, I know I will take a piece of Utah with me wherever I go.

P.S: Candidly, the pic collage on this post that my cell phone camera captured is a futile attempt...it doesn't do any justice to the charm of this city.

Life is soup and I'm a damn fork

Life has a funny way of showing you who's boss. You reach a certain point in life and you look back at the time that has passed and assess who you have become. As for me, I am far from being the person I imagined I would be.

When I was young, I had imagined that by the time I was 40, I would be a force to reckon with. I didn't know what my profession would be but I imagined I would be at its peak. I imagined I'd be a kick ass wife, a formidable mom and a social butterfly with a glamourous life. I had imagined that I would be successful and well off.

I am months away from being 40 and it dawns on me that I don’t have much to show for it. I have a profession but calling it super successful would be optimistic. I am an okay wife and an average mom. I have no semblance of a social life and I am financially comfortable. Funny how all the superlatives quickly turned into just positives.

I was misled by a handful of people who doted on me growing up, that I was special and that I was somehow destined for greatness. And God knows I strived for it. It wasn't for lack of trying. I soon realized that the Universe has a way of humbling you. Balancing ambition with reality and showing you that sometimes no matter how hard you try, how persistently you nail and claw your way thru life...it just isn't meant to be.

While no one has ever accused me of being someone that easily gives up, in fact quite the contrary...I do feel like I am on the verge of it. I have seen people much less deserving than I, people who have worked far less harder than I have, people who never went above and beyond for a moment in their life, walk away with everything-  professionally and personally. I have come to realize that to expect life to be fair would be the biggest folly of all.  And what you end up with has little to do with what you put into it.

In this mad race to be someone, get somewhere, I stopped being the one thing I was good at. A daughter. Now I am a 7pm phone call that checks on my parents from afar, gives them free advice and gets frustrated when they don't take it or follow thru. And the irony is they put up with it unflinchingly and with no disdain.

I wonder where it all went awry. I wonder what I could have done differently. Probably a zillion things, probably nothing. I now feel like I float thru life aimlessly, with no passion, with some regret, some disappointment and in the vague hope that the universe would somehow make it up to me. That one day, things would turn around and amends would be made. Because thru all this chaos and uncertainty if there is one thing I know, it is this....I deserve better !!

A World On Wheels

If there is one experience I could get my daughter to re-live, it would be that of traveling by the Indian railways in the 80s and 90s. When I close my eyes and look back at my life, there are a few poignant memories of my childhood that have stood the test of time. The most pertinent among them is train travel. Our yearly summer vacation to Kerala by train.The visuals are so vivid and the smoke, dust and chaos almost palpable.

We would be all geared up to go spend 30-40 days in Kerala with my grandparents, shifting gears from the crazy city life to a more idyllic village atmosphere. The only thing keeping us from that life of leisure would be the 27 hour train journey from Hyderabad to Kochi. My parents, my brother and I would have our suitcases packed and loading our luggages in a taxi we would get to the railway station. First order of business for my brother and I would be to check our weights on the red monstrosity of a machine. Begging for change(coins) from my mom would ensue. The best part? The little prophecy or quote on the ticket that gets printed out with your weight. We would read it out to each other and go nuts.

Then came the "coolie" drama. The "Men in Red" as I like to call them. They would badger you to help out with your luggage. My dad who was an economical man and a proud one at that, would often have us each carry our own luggage. Sometimes he would indulge and let a porter do it. That's when you see the super "human" spirit in action. One scrawny man carrying the weight of the world on his head no less! Once he drops the luggage, begins the predicable banter and bargaining spree. After we successfully dismiss him, we would wait for the train to arrive. 

The whistle blowing from a distance, smoke across the sky, making an entrance like only she could comes the "Sabari Express" in all her glory. Everyone scrambles to get on. Once we find our seats and stack our suitcases, the fight for the window seat begins. My brother and I would take turns sometimes, other times he gave in and let me have it. Then came the socializing phase. Getting to know your neighbor and exchanging pleasantries. My Dad was a bit train phobic. He restlessly sought to find someone he knew so he could kill time playing cards or discussing politics...anything but having to stare at the rest of us.

I, on the other hand, loved the serenity and leisure. I loved looking out the window at the world passing me by while time stood still. As twilight would descend, I would listen to music on my walkman (romantic songs of course) and imagine being lost in the wilderness outside with a handsome young man one day who would whisk me away and make me very very happy. As night fell, my Mom would open up the amazing food she packed from home and we would devour it. We would even share it with the strangers (we just met) who we now call friends. I guess that is the beauty of Indian culture and such is the magic of travel.

Then came my favorite part ,where I got to get on to the middle berth if I'm lucky or the top one (if I'm not) and read a book. I would flip page after page in the dim light while the train rocked me to sleep. When I couldn't hold back anymore, I would dog-ear the book, flip the switch off and snuggle into the freshly washed bedsheet we brought from home and sleep peacefully.

Then morning came. There'd be fresh dewdrops on the window sill and vendors yelling "Chai, chai, coffee, coffee" was like music to my ears. My Dad would buy himself a newspaper and buy us coffee and breakfast. I would slide down, duck my head as I sat on the lower berth looking out the window drinking coffee. In that moment, there was nowhere I'd rather be, no destination worth reaching and no place worth stopping. 

The train would stop at various stations, rumble through the tracks, meander through hills and valleys and enthrall every passer by. There'd be people selling everything from bangles to flowers to idli/vada to lottery tickets. To me, they were all selling dreams... dreams that would eventually turn to nostalgia. 

As the train made its way through the Western Ghats and into Kerala you could see the dry shrubbery, the banyan and neem trees slowly change into a lush green landscape of coconut, banana and jackfruit trees. Backwaters and spices dominated the scenery.

We would have lunch and start getting dressed to off board. The bathrooms were my only nightmare. But we won't get into that. As the train came to a screeching halt and we descended with our luggage in tow, we would bid goodbye to our fellow passengers. My parents would exchange addresses and phone numbers like we'd be friends for life. And there at the station would be our uncle or family member waiting to greet us and take us home. 

While I was excited to finally go home, a small, teeny tiny piece of my heart always got left behind on that train. And no matter how many journeys I take, no matter where life takes me, no matter how many glamorous cities or countries I visit, nothing will ever match up to the simplicity, mystique, romance and wonder of that World on Wheels !!

To life's many adventures and memories of an era gone by... so long !

Its the little things...

I was rushing home from work the other evening around 6 pm, eager to get home since I usually pick up my daughter from school and I'm home before my husband. But today, I had to stay late for a meeting and my husband ended up picking up our little girl. I park my car in the garage and walk in after a long day at work. I see that my 10 year old daughter is fed and is blissfully playing ball with her Dad. A hot cup of coffee is awaiting me on the table and my cheerful husband casually looks up and says "You're late today, how was your day?"

I suddenly felt love and gratitude overcome me. It was a very small gesture of thoughtfulness but it touched and moved me ardently. That got me thinking... When we choose a life partner we have grand notions about love and attraction. We look for the important things - education, employment, good looks, family background, economic status, compatibility etc. Over time, these macro qualities while still significant cease to be the center of our universe of continued, everlasting love. Soon, its the little things that matter. 

The fact that your spouse diligently makes the bed and fluffs the pillows when you didn't feel like doing it yourself. The looks you exchange across the room at a party and he understands you're tired or bored and would like to leave so gets up and starts bidding goodbyes. Or when you are dealing with a sick, grumpy little child and you're at your wits end, he walks in, winks at you and carries the child out to get some air so you can take a moment to collect yourself. Or goes grocery shopping for bread and eggs and brings back flowers for you. Or looks at you when you're not looking and wonders what they did to be so lucky as to deserve you. Its the little things.

Its a warm Saturday morning. I go to the kitchen to make my husband a cup of tea and myself a cup of coffee. I hear him playing the violin that goes on for the next 45 mins or so. I'm deeply inspired to see a man taking time to learn a musical instrument amidst his busy work-life schedule. He does it because he wants to invest in himself and he actually diligently practices it at 7am on a Sat morning as though his livelihood depends on it.

I venture into the kitchen to start making breakfast and I reminiscence the reason I started cooking. I wasn't really a hands on cook until after marriage. Now, I make an effort to cook fresh food every day because my husband loves homemade food. Over time, I've gotten pretty good at it. 15 years ago, I would have laughed if you'd told me I would be a decent cook someday.

But I've learnt that its the love with which you cook, that makes for a great meal, not the skill or the recipes. I want my husband to remember what my "Chole" or my "Sambar" tastes like -- no matter where he goes. It warms my heart when he can tell the taste of my food apart from every other dish on the table or when he calls to say he misses my food when he's traveling and the fact that he praises my cooking consistently after 12 years of marriage. That is what keeps a relationship thriving. Knowing what little things are important for the other person and making room in your life for it.

I'm most vulnerable when I'm sick even though that is seldom. And for someone like me that is used to taking responsibility of themselves and others and almost never needing a shoulder, its good to have someone say "Please make sure you eat healthy today, you had heartburn yesterday" and then goes on to make you a toast for breakfast before he leaves for work. Or hands you a $150 gift card and asks you to go shop just when you decide to not spend frivolous money on yourself. It is the little things.

It is these little gestures of kindness, compassion and generosity that strengthen a relationship. It is these fundamental qualities of honesty, integrity and loyalty that become the hallmarks of a great relationship.  For a mature, intelligent, happy relationship, it takes two people that are individually whole and fulfilled to extend that sense of peace and joy unto the other. It takes two people who know they are entirely capable of existing individually but choose to co-exist because it makes life bigger and better. 

There are many blessings in life - the peace and quiet in your home, the loving, caring, steadfast loyalty of your spouse, giving your kids a nurturing, thriving environment where they see their parents love and appreciate one another...But the most profound blessing of all is to love and be loved in a million little ways.

May you find these little things everyday, embrace them and turn them into a million little opportunities to prove that love lurks behind every corner as you make your way through this grand journey called life.

For the love of Horses...

I wont pretend to know anything about horses. I barely do. I'm not a equestrian (though I wish I'd learnt to ride) nor a racing enthusiast. I'm merely an admirer of these magnificent creatures. They say "Horses are God's way of apologizing for men". Maybe that's it ;)

I can't quite put a finger on it. Anyone who knows me knows that I barely tolerate most animals. But when it comes to horses, I can't tell if its the grace, the power or its spirit that runs wild and free. Driving down the countryside of North Texas, you see these huge ranches with its exquisite homes paneled with end to end glass windows and and large red barns. Green pastures as far as the eye can see and in the middle of it, these thoroughbreds are either running or grazing or simply drinking from a waterhole. There is something soothing about that visual. Something that calms the soul.

The days when I feel dull and dreary, the days when I need to find a higher purpose, on occasion when life seems to pass me by, I take a drive valiantly chasing the winds within a 5-10 mph over the speed limit. Switching my eyes between the road ahead and the sprawling landscapes passing outside my window, I catch glimpses of the green farmlands like paint spilled over gray canvas. I see cattle herds , stables, wooden gazebos and water bodies. But nothing compares to the sight of a brown Mustang or a black Stallion galloping past the farm. Its legs sturdy and strong, its mane like the hair of a supermodel with a wind machine and its tail risen ever so slightly in vanity.

Its like seeing poetry in motion. I may have missed my calling. I don't know what it is but I can tell you horses were a big part of it. Pam Brown aptly sums up my thoughts - "A horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence".

Timeless Treasures

For someone that was a social butterfly and seemingly popular with people, I had few real friends. I never had a dearth of people I got along with or people I shared common interests with or even people I could have a good time with. But I didn't really think of them as FRIENDS. My bar for friendship has been higher than my bar for most relationships. Simply because I believe Friendship is the only relationship of choice. All other relationships are determined by blood, fate, a legal document or all of the above.

Growing up, I was amazed that my mom, my brother and many other people I knew that had such a huge circle of friends. I was in awe of them. Mine was a small circle, almost a dot when it came to close friends. Perhaps, I'm not easy to be with too. Trust me, that thought has crossed my mind. 

To this day, I am very purposeful about my friendships. Whether I choose them or they choose me, it is from a place of higher understanding and its definitely not existential. I've had a handful of deep, meaningful friendships that have changed my life forever. These handful of people have come, stayed or left but my life has never been the same again.

They all have had one common purpose. To be a part of my story and alter its course in beautiful, transformational and permanent ways. In hindsight, they have taught me a few meaningful lessons that have stood the test of time:

• They have your back - Unwavering, unconditional support. They have been there thru good and thru trying times, nudging me along, sometimes taking the heat, sometimes merely cheering from the sidelines. Even when I was completely at fault or I'd screwed up big time, they stood up for me. They yelled at me behind closed doors or over the phone but they ALWAYS stood up for me for the world to see. They have taught me what it means to trust implicitly and be loyal even when it seems improbable.

• Ego must go - Ego and love cannot coexist. If you love unconditionally, you have to let go of your ego. Its a journey getting there but when you do, its an easy choice. You always choose LOVE. Also, LOVE in its true form is selfless. Which means these people expected nothing in return from me. In retrospect, I think I gave very little out of sheer ignorance. But it made no difference.  They just LOVED, anyway. 

• Personal cheerleaders - They were my mirror when I needed to see myself for who I really was. It is miraculous what one can accomplish when there is someone who never stops believing in you and goes out of their way to show it.

• Active listeners - I was always the talker, I still am. I always have something to say, a point to make or just a wrinkle that needs smoothening. Sometimes I'm fascinating, other times I'm a drag. Sometimes I just need someone to hear me out and validate my fears or refute them. Other times I need someone to tell me it will all be fine. They understood my implicit, unspoken needs. They were amazing listeners and prevented my gift of the gab from becoming a curse. 

• Footprints on your soul - This is indeed my favorite phrase. I use it often when I speak and when I write because it is the most tangible truth there is. Many people walk into your life but only a few leave footprints on your soul. I lovingly call them the "milestone people". They become a milestone in your life. There is life before them and there is life after them. All notions of time, space and reality are thereafter connected to their existence in your life.

I have been lucky to have about 5-6 people in this short life that have been true FRIENDS from this very perspective. I've met a lot of great people and made many meaningful acquaintances but only these friendships have traveled with me and stood the test of distance and time. These people know who they are and require no validation or acknowledgement. They came into my life for a reason, stayed for as long as they needed to and left having made me a better person for knowing them and being loved by them.