What living in America has taught me…

To tell you what living in America has taught me, I have to tell you how I got here. Like most engaging stories, you won’t appreciate the lesson till you understand the journey.

So, let’s start at the beginning…I was one of those young adults who detested the whole migration business growing up. I found it very off-putting that smart young people would be so enamored by the US (and other foreign lands) that they would do just about anything to leave India and settle abroad. And if you are from Hyderabad, you know I’m not kidding about the “anything”. It just didn’t add up in my tiny head. What was the craze about? Like most judgmental, narrow-minded people, I took an immediate aversion to it and decided that I was not going to be one of them. I didn’t want to go or live abroad. Travel? Sure but not to settle down.

Anyway, while I was making my grand plans to be a career-oriented, independent young woman symbolizing urban India, destiny had other plans. I got engaged to this charming young man, who, after 18 months of going thru sub-optimal proposals and average specimen seemed like a refreshing change. Someone I could share my ideas, my dreams and my life with. Someone cerebral who wanted to know more than if I could cook good food and take care of a home. Only one TINY problem. He was living and working in the US. No!! Why God? Why? Leaving my parents and the only place I knew to be home and moving so far away to be a part of the paradox I worked so hard to NOT be a part of. Irony was never more harrowing.

Long story short, the man out-weighed the predicament of living abroad. I got blissfully married and moved to the US which at that point in time seemed like a short term plan. It took months before I could open my heart and mind to the possibilities that US had to offer. I was home sick for the longest period of time. It wasn’t the change or the adjustment as much as it was losing everything I held core to my being. Family, extended family, social life, emotional support etc.

After having lived in the US for almost 11 years now, when I look back at my life and how it’s transformed me to the very core in fundamental ways, I’m not one bit surprised. While there are pros and cons to every situation including the living in India vs. US and I can argue both sides all day long, there are a few lessons I’ve learnt that I would not trade for anything in the world. I’ve evolved in ways I never envisioned; thanks to being on my own. While I could dissect that list and write a whole book, I’m going to try and abstract it to the 3 most fundamental realizations:

• Self-esteem and the social construct: In India, you are raised in the public eye among a lot of people. Folks that matter and folks that don’t. Everyone has an opinion and you are hard wired to seek validation. You are only as successful as the car you own or the number of houses you have or the money you can throw at people. You are only as happy as your relatives’ think you are and your Facebook page suggests. You are only as viable as people’s opinion of you. In short, your net worth and your self-esteem is a factor of what everyone else thinks of you. Being in the US, far away from people’s opinions and random actualizations, I experienced LIBERATION. Liberation from the life-long clutches to seek approval and please people. Don’t get me wrong. I still have an inner circle of folks including my parents whose thoughts and opinions matter. But I’ve learnt to determine who belongs to that inner circle and who doesn’t. And I’ve learnt to slowly but surely discount the existence of people not in that inner circle. In time, I’ve also learnt to love myself deeply for who I really am and forgive myself when I’m not perfect. I’ve always been a FREE SPIRIT, but I have to say this is a whole new level of NIRVANA.
• People are dispensable: Since I had a huge extended family and so many friends back in India, I believed many of them were an indispensable part of my happiness. And that not being around them would somehow keep me from being WHOLE. Distance and time have shown who among those people really care and are worthy of my time. Guess what? Those that got left behind, moved on and so did I. And I am no less rich in their absence; on the contrary I’ve learnt to hold on tighter and value/invest in relationships that matter so they don’t wither away with time. No harm, no foul but everyone is dispensable including me and that’s OK by me. I’ve also learnt that I can take on most challenges that life throws my way single-handedly and see them thru with a little faith in GOD and a strong belief in self. Having someone to share it with is a huge bonus but not par for the course. No problem in insurmountable but no one can do it for you.
• It opened up a WHOLE NEW WORLD: There is a lot to be said for diversity and exposure. Living in what is called the world’s “Melting pot” amongst people from different countries, religions, culture and ethnicities opens your horizons in ways that living in India never would have. I have an amazing lifestyle to offer to my daughter not to mention the gamut of possibilities that life in America has in store. I’m more open, I’m more flexible, I’m more broad-minded, I’m more accepting and I’m more enigmatic today than I’ve ever been and I’m loving every bit of it.

I say this with no sense of arrogance but in the most humble way possible. I have re-discovered myself, my strengths, my limitations, my relentless spirit and my unconquerable soul. I have re-invented my life living in a country that has offered me opportunities and the freedom to be whoever I want to be with no social stigma or handbook to follow. Thank you America, for being the anti-thesis to everything I made you out to be :)

The WORD Vibe

As you can tell, I am a fan of words; specifically the "written word". It runs in my family. My grandfather used to send my father letters in blue inland covers (yes, life before the internet...I know its hard to fathom) and he would have these one line phrases that my Dad would narrate to me on various occasions 'coz they served as nuggets of wisdom without the heavy lifting. My grandfather would send me letters too when I had crossed a major milestone like passing 10th grade, graduating college etc. I remember one letter vividly where he said "If money is lost, nothing is lost; if health is lost, something is lost but if character is lost, everything is lost". I may have been 11 or 12 but it stuck with me and it has taken me thru some pretty rough times.

My Dad writes to me every once in a while, now via email when he has something important to say. Subtle but significant is his style. My uncles would send me money orders when I achieved excellence and in it would be a couple lines/notes cheering me or wishing me success.  I grew up treasuring the words more than the gifts. Which is why I am a big sucker for cards and God knows Archies and Hallmark have made more money out of me than most stores in India.

Anyway, the gist of the matter is that I have now developed an obsessive tendency for words. Every thought, every situation, every feeling, every person, every encounter can usually be defined in ONE word/phrase; I strongly believe in this. Even when it can't be, you have a word for it - ambiguous, gray, abstract, complicated, transitional and so on.

So, the other day as I was cleaning up my hOuse after my parents left for India (having inhabited my natural habitat for over 2 months), I was picking up a vibe. I tried to give it A WORD...one that would explain the sweet nostalgia mixed with impregnable hope, immortal memories and serene tranquility. I may be biased but I've lived in a few houses in my short lifetime. And I've always felt happiness, sadness, despair and anxiety but never this clean, pure joy and still serenity. So I was obsessed to find my word that would describe that vibe, only to realize that if it didn't come to you, it just didn't come to you.

I lit up the aroma dispenser, opened the window so I could hear my wind chimes in the patio and arranged the fresh cut flowers in my blown glass vase. NOTHING...I eventually gave up. The next day, my cleaning lady came to clean the house. She went about her chores the usual way stopping and inquiring about my parents, complimenting the new pictures on the wall and adoring my aroma dispenser. She is a Spanish lady and her English is very patchy/shaky. We make do with my erratic Spanish and her half decent English.

Anyway, as she finished up her work and was about to leave, I paid her, gave her a hug and said 'muchas gracias". She said "De nada" as always and she also said pointing to a family photo hanging on the wall "Small home but beautiful...I go lot of houses but this home is special". Well, she's always sweet that way so I smiled and said " I think so too, thank you". To my surprise she continued..."It got HARMONY" and then she left.

I was speechless. There's my word. She gave me my WORD - HARMONY. Life gives you little surprises where you least expect them and shifts something inside of you. Juanita did that for me. She picked up a vibe that I always felt and she gave it a WORD. Something I could hold on to. And I've been reeling in that sense of euphoria ever since.

So long....

The Jungle Book

It was my favorite book and cartoon as a kid. It spoke to me in many ways but I couldn't quite put a finger on it as a child. Now that I'm all grown up (some would argue grown old), I realized it still spoke to me, only this time I had my reasons. 

• It is based in INDIA - A beautiful tale of co-existence of man with nature is a reflection of Rudyard Kipling's life experiences in India and a figment of his vibrant imagination. The fabric and authenticity of the Jim Corbett National park are captured flawlessly in this narration.

• It is a journey of self discovery - The story of Mowgli is a journey in search of an identity and that leads to total liberation. Mowgli is an outliar in the jungle. He is a "man" cub raised by wolves and mocked by other animals. He feels the constant urge to fit in so he starts acting like a wolf and truly believes he is one of them.  Only to realize his differences are what make him Unique;It is what makes him strong.

• It is a story about the people that shape your life - The two great influences in Mowgli's life are Baloo and Bagheera. One shows him the lighter side of life, the value of friendship and how to have a good time and make the most of what life has to offer. The song:
         "Look for the bare necessities
          The simple bare necessities
          Forget about your worries and your strife
          I mean the bare necessities"


is testament to that free spirit. Bagheera on the other hand plays by the rules. He teaches Mowgli to be adept,on guard and righteous at all times. He is protective and passionate about Mowglis' well being. Both, very different influences and relationships but both corroborate the heart warming thought that "Love is unconditional" and you can love somebody with all your heart even if they are not one of you. We all have people like Baloo and Bagheera that have walked into our lives and left indelible foot prints on the sands of time.

• It is a heart-wrenching tale of Motherhood - Raksha, the mother wolf that raised Mowgli and her struggle to choose between his well being and his proximity is the story of every mother that has had to put her child first. It is testimonial to the fact that motherly love knows no boundaries, sees no distinction between her own and adopted. She does what she knows to do best -SHE LOVES.

• It is the story of the HUMAN spirit - The formidable and invincible spirit of mankind that Mowgli personifies. Man's will to survive against all odds. The impeccable ability to bring people or in this case different animals together and fight for a common cause. As the last dialogue in the film so aptly summarized it "Tonight I saw a boy without a people bring the entire Jungle together for the very first time"

For all these reasons and more, "The Jungle Book" will forever remain my most cherished reminiscence of childhood. 

Being ME !!

I was conditioned to believe that "Mediocrity is a sin". The world endorsed it by celebrating success, fame and money. Mediocrity was something to be feared, avoided and vehemently opposed at all costs. If you didn't excel, you didn't do enough. Go big or go home, as they say. I watched the role models, the so called prodigies and celebrities and started shaping my entire life around this idea. It slowly became the only way I knew how to navigate life.


Well, part of it may have been in my DNA (the never-ending nature vs. nurture argument). But part of it was self inflicted. I strived to be excellent at academics, I strived to be a good daughter, I strived to be good at anything I picked up. Obviously the drive was only for the things I cared about. I sucked at sports and that didn't bother me because I made peace with the fact that I wasn't cut out for it. Anyway, long story short, I slowly evolved into a Type A personality- the kind that pursues perfection and doesn't settle for anything less.

I am now a wife, a mom and a career woman. I still strive every day to balance it all and be the best I can be. In that journey, there are days that are immensely stressful and frustrating, way more than it needs to be. That's when I start wondering - what if I don't have it in me to go BIG? What if I'm happy being me ? What if this constant race to stay on top of things and given it my 100% has taken away from my potential for love and joy ? What if I don't want to impact thousands of lives, be remembered in history or have an epitaph that read "the world's greatest whatever" ? What if I don't want to solve everybody's problems and ensure they all live up to their potential (including my kid) ? What if I'm happy brewing a hot cuppa coffee in the morning and watching the birds fly across the sky. What if I'm happy growing a plant, baking a cake, writing a poem, reading a book - doing something small yet meaningful ?


That obviously strips me of my go-getter status but gives me something far more valuable - pure JOY. After all, isn't that what life is all about ? Knowing you're not in control, accepting that for a limitation and making the most of where you are today ? Knowing that impactful ideas are in the sub text, the spaces, the pauses and the silence that engulfs your being? While it is so simple to fathom, why is it so hard to practice ? I want to do that for myself, for my kid. I want her to idolize a life that leaves an indelible impact on loved ones, a life that's filled with LOVE and JOY and a life that has fulfilled its destiny by just being ME.

To my baby doll...With love

I wish you knew what you mean to me

My friend, my love, my destiny,

You're my ray of sunshine, 

My opera and my symphony

I wish you knew what you mean to me

A blessed soul full of ecstasy,

You're the answer to my prayers 

The salvation from every agony

I wish you knew what you mean to me

I wouldn't be whole if it weren't for thee,

You are my strength, you are my will

You are the very best of me

I wish you knew what you mean to me

You're my accomplishment, my victory,

You are what I'll leave behind

You are my pride, my legacy !!

The Muse

I've often wondered about the women who have inspired many a creative legends through history and time. Greek mythology has it that artistic inspiration came from one of the 9 muses. Deities that give men the inspiration to create.

Modern art and literature however owes a great deal to women who were more tangible that deities. Women who were in close proximity to these artists and writers. What Beatrice was to Dante, what Fanny Brawne was to John Keats, what Zelda Sayre was to Scott Fitzgerald, what Marie-Thérèse Walter was to Picasso is what contributed to the creation of some of the best works in the world of art and literature. These are to name just a few.

These women were more often than not considered to be of questionable character. They were known for their incredible looks, smart minds, loving hearts and/or sometimes just for how they connected with these artists. They lit a fire that could not be extinguished. They provided an outlet to put into words unspoken feelings and raw emotions. They funneled and fueled the unquenchable thirst only an artist could comprehend. They inspired and motivated these men to create works of art that would be revered by generations to come.

Yet some of them were used and discarded, others were tainted and called characterless and some were long forgotten like they never existed. They had no control on the end product that these artists created yet they were the process. One could argue that theirs is a story of sabotage, self inflicted pain and suffering for something that would never be theirs.


If we go by what literature exists on these women and their creative aspirations for the artists they inspired, theirs is a story of intrigue, passion and pain. If we kept aside judgement and stepped away from the moral ethos of our times, this is a compelling tale. The tale of women who have inspired art, literature and all tangible manifestations of creativity.

So, here's to the women, who loved and lost......

P.S:  On a side note, how come only Men had muses ? What inspired the women? ;)

"My Happy place" - People diaries

You know how some people touch your life and transform it, while others leave a wake of destruction in your path....Then there's others that kindle a fire which flickers and burns for a lifetime. He belongs in the last group. He is who I refer to as "My Happy place"....My Kochu (my Dad's younger brother).

Its funny because when they(read therapists) say "Go to your happy place"...people usually think of the beach or the spa or temples or ancestral homes or some place they have happy memories associated with. But that to me is Kochu. He is in the forefront of all my happy memories. 

Growing up, he was my solace, my relief from a dull, drab even frustrating day. My Dad who I adore and worship was a man of extremely high standards and took himself and his family very seriously. Kochu was in stark contrast to that. He was light hearted, derived pleasure from simple things and seized every moment. I'd get to go and stay with him on weekends and holidays (after a lot of negotiation and discussion with my Dad). He told his neighbors that I was first born and was away at boarding school that's why they only saw me on holidays. He would buy me junk food like chat and mirchi bajjis - stuff my Dad didn't approve of. He would get me and my brother fire crackers for Diwali to supplement what Dad bought. He was my back door to everything...he knew that and he did it anyway.

He is to date my biggest support and my most ardent fan. He has literally raised me alongside my parents...He lived with us till he got married. He has seen my every tantrum and handled it with love and care. He has cried many tears when I first went to Kindergarten. He even brought me back home a few times when I would not let go of his hand as he tried to drop me off at school. He has been at my bedside when I fell sick -even if it was just fever...he has stayed up late nights when my exam results were due or when I was at counseling for my MCA admissions. He got me my project work and internship and I would travel with him to his office every week for 3 months. They best 3 months of my life. I got to see the simplicity, humility and integrity that went into making him  one of the most loved and respected men in NRSA. He got me to apply for my first job and helped me through the process to get hired into INCOIS. 

He has been a constant through all the good times and bad ones. He cried more than my Dad the day I got married and left home. Heck ! He cried more than my Mom did. Another amazing thing about him is his relationship with my mom. I have never seen a more beautiful devar/bhabi relationship. He supports my Mom unconditionally. As far as he's concerned she is always RIGHT....no exceptions. He is more than a brother to her. That speaks for the kind of man he is.

Ever since I moved to the US, I have not been able to spend a lot of time with him. As is the curse of this generation being thousands of miles away, I haven't been there when he's needed me most. It will be a remorse I carry with me for the rest of my life. However, I get to see him when I travel to India this time and I intend to spend quality time with him telling him how much he means to me and how he has shaped my life just by being in it. 

He has taught me what it means to be GENUINE. What I haven't been able to learn or emulate though is how he does that without ever hurting anyone. And that is his legacy. One of the most endearing, sweet, genuine, amazingly honest and kind people I have the privilege of calling Kochu(chachu). I am blessed that for 3 decades, every time I close my eyes and think of my happy place I see his beaming face full of affection and warmth holding on to my little hand and helping me cross the road.....LOVE has never been more patient, more kind and more unconditional !